Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
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[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*