ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
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Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”