asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”