Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
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Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Danger is very dangerous
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Every haunted house movie:
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair