If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
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If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
good morning
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.