They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.