clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
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Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Expect the unexporcupine.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy