As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
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Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight