[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
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Children of the corn 🌽
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.