COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
You Might Also Like
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.