Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.