Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
thanks auntie mary
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”