What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
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A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?