That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
This trial is so absurd 😭
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified