I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
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My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow