A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
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coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.