My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?