I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’