Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
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*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
SF is the wild wild west man
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.