I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
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Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.