‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
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Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
*cough*
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly