It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*cough*
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.