You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁