You Might Also Like
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”