[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
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[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.