Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along