When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
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“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
what’s really going on
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.