Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
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I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Grandmother clock.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I’m tired tomorrow.