Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
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I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
The glockness monster
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I’m tired tomorrow.
Breaking news:
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.