Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Room with a view.
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Born to be mild.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like