Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
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My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa