Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
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Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.