i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
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Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Meat Cute
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((