Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
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My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
normalize having existential bread
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.