“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
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shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
haha same
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario