My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
You Might Also Like
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit