Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
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My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening