Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.