So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
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Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.