me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
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8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
April 1st is the class clown of days.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you