[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
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JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
when there are deer in the woods
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.