I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
(Gaming support cat.)
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday