[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Yes, this is exactly right
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
my professor scared me for a second