any last words?
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all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.