The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER