Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Tough love is true love
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.