google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
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Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.