Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
I feel it
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*bites zombie*