I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.