“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
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What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Tuesday
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER